Lindsay Lohan agreed to spend 90 days in a "locked in" drug rehab facility as part of a plea deal to settle criminal charges against her Monday.
The actress entered pleas of no contest on two misdemeanor charges relating to a traffic accident last summer, and she did not challenge the finding that she violated her shoplifting probation with those convictions.
This story is so chock full of goodies about the surreal nature of Hollywood justice that it should get some kind of award. Here's one tidbit:
She's spent 250 days in five rehab facilities since January 2007, including one long court-ordered stint after a failed drug test.
The actress has appeared in court at least 20 times before four Los Angeles judges who have now found her in violation of probation six times and sentenced her to a total of nine months in jail.
Lohan has spent about two weeks behind bars in six trips to the Los Angeles County jail, served 35 days under house arrest and worked about 67 days of community service at the county morgue.
More goodies follow the break.
"The only issue here today is that a sweet, wonderful 26-year-old girl has finally been able to bring some closure to a chapter in her life that has been very unfortunate," [defense counsel Mark] Heller sad. "Lindsay Lohan has been very fragile and very concerned by what's been happening here and the only thing I've been concerned about is that we've been able to give her story a very, very happy ending."
She is "now on a wonderful path and a journey that I think is going to be very rewarding," he said. "Today marks the first day of the rest of her life and her comeback is right before us."
I think this is what they call a "howler." What can I say? Do defense lawyers write this stuff themselves? Or do they outsource it?
Well, I can say one thing. I'll bet $500 to any commenter willing to give his name that this is anything but "closure," and that Ms. Rehab will be back in trouble with the law within a year at most. Any takers?
But wait, there's more:
Although Lohan was sentenced to jail time, including five days and 90 days on two charges, the judge will allow her to serve it in rehab.
The sentence extends Lohan's probation for two years and requires 18 months of psychotherapy.
"This is it," [Judge James] Dabney told her. "You violate your probation, and we're not going to have discussions of putting you back on probation."
Now Ms. Rehab might not be the brightest bulb in the pack, but I guarantee you she's bright enough to know the judge's "threat" should be taken just as seriously as the last four (or five or six or whatever it's been) "threats."
In a sense, though, the judge is correct. Next time, there won't be any discussions about putting her back on probation. She'll go on probation without any discussion. Hollywood courts just don't know or care enough to do anything else.